I’ve been going through my journals.
This is my journal from 8/1-7/02.
Dad died 8/18/02.
8-1
A year go today was the SCI show at the Greek.
My morning drive got me pretty pumped today, perhaps it was the double shot of espresso. Either way I came to work feeling pretty good.
It’s hard to realize I only have two weeks with my dad left. That’s why I really need to get my shit together. I cannot go through school again the way I have in the past.
Reading the Gita is making a lot of things congeal together in my mind. For the most part, it’s a pretty practical guide. I also like that it is written as a single mystical experience. The “field of dharma” is a metaphysical one going on inside my head.
What war is to be waged?
Sin, and evil, are not confined to the devil. Temptation, sensation, pleasure in temporary things, that is what creates sin.
The battle is the battle of the will to tame the senses, which is not as easy as it sounds, or as hard as you might think.
What do I want to get done before I leave? Dad is so cool about this. I think we are all being really cool about this to tell you the truth. Mom’s looking out for me, I’m looking out for mom, Brooks is reasimilating.
Shine your life.
It is about time for me to really grow up and take off in my life. It is much better that I do so before…
These kinds of thoughts are unproductive, probably counterproductive. I need to not make plans, but realize, and act.
Is a plan a good thing to have?
I guess if it’s the right plan it’s good to have. But how can we tell the right plan from the wrong plan?
So if no plan is better, then aren’t you making a plan for no plan? The plan is no plan, and then you are right back where you started.
Who am I writing to? Whose my target audience? For now I’m writing to myself more than anyone. At least I’m writing for myself.
Surrender attachment to results. Today I’ll go home and meditate, then sleep, then play soccer. Still your mind in me.
It is important to distinguish what is changing and what is timeless in the world that surrounds.
The manifest world is created by the Pulse, the point of intersection between the field and the knower.
8-2
Indeed, a person is his faith.
8-7
I think I need to write to myself more than anybody right now.
The days are getting numbered and I’m letting them slip through my hands, sitting on my heels. Dad seems to be getting progressively worse. His enthusiasm is high when he speaks, but he only speaks in short bursts.
We’ve gotten pretty used to the hacking noises. The only way any of us can sit in that room with Dad, and not be utterly horrified by the pain he is in, is because we have dulled it in our minds, and we love him. Even though spending time with him these day’s means watching TV while he lies next to you.
I wonder what sort of dreams my dad is having?
That is a question I’d like to ask him.
If dreamless sleep is the same as death, he might already be dead. What a powerful karmic experience to march slowly and thoughtfully into your own death.
The brothers come tomorrow, which means I think it will be a pretty powerful day.
I’m excited to have the family here because so far nothing is more comforting than crying with my mother.
There is a fear inside of me that worries I force myself to cry. Why do I do that?
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