On the road again

(Sunrise from my balcony)

Home. Only for a little, but it was a good stint. A memorable Christmas for sure. “First Christmas with the in-laws” could sum it up I suppose. Brooks spent it up in Saratoga with Mollie’s family, and I spent it here in California with Mom and Winn. Like I said, first Christmas with the in-laws.

I worry that my over-observation of life leads to a deadening of something. I take note of everything, judgment free, or at least with on open-ended wonder that stays floating forever. Nothing concludes. That which has no beginning has no end, right? So where are we now? Always in motion, endless change, and here I am noting it from here, on this particular branch. And maybe this particular branch is no better than any other branch, but it is unique at least. It is here, in between that branch over there and that branch up there. It is my branch, and I hope I deserve to be sitting this high up in the tree. I need to make efforts towards that. I need to reduce and strip away all the nonsense. I don’t want to be comfortably numb. I need to get back. I want my guidance to be more blunt.

And so in order to do that, since order is just more conscious illusion, I’m loading up my car and headed North in the morning. North to visit a close friend in Santa Cruz who has a life that parallels and weaves with mine in some sad ways, but endured with sweetness even the worst times come to an end, or a pause. There we are, back into the continuum bit. I can never separate the quantum from the cerebral, the inherent from the survival. I wish I could still float on the surface of things. Then again, the surface of things simply is not reality. It may be nice to live there, as noted, but sooner or later the innocence of ignorant frolicking will fade. Best be ready. Then again, maybe it’s just about how to float. I’ll buy that, but there are two different ways to find yourself floating. The first way is the way of innocent surrender, the second way is to come back around full circle, through the depths and the fogs and the darkness of the deep to choose, with the Spiritual Will, to float again. I don’t know if we chose which way we float. Because even a king returns to dust, and you can’t think your way to happiness. Exploration is good for creating space in the self to understand teachings in new lights, but if you explore forever you will never arrive. The journey is the prize, perhaps, but the arrival is the mechanism that allows one to begin again. One may not begin again without arriving.

All that aside, I’m really excited to get up to Nor Cal. I find myself tracing my steps from a year ago. Incredible what a full cycle can bring to the surface. Then it’s back to the mountains to nest and set sights for the new horizon come spring.