happy two six

HAPPY TWO SIX EVERYBODY!
As those who know know the 26th is always a special day. For those who don’t know, look for it. It’ll only find you if you look for it…

Mom came in town, always a delight. We ate at Joe’s last night, introduced her to my friend MaryBeth, caught up on all her big adventures living with Winn. She was described as “super heady” and I have to agree. Mom, you’re super heady.
We went and had a good old Waffle House breakfast and then she took me to my eye doctor’s appointment. It was another one of those simple silly things you don’t forget you used to do until you do it again. It’s been so long since Mom took me to a doctor’s appointment but my car was still getting serviced and I needed a ride. As we pulled in all the memories of all the times her and I used to go to eye doctors and eye specialists and all that stuff came back. I’ve had glasses since I was four mind you; we have a lot of memories dealing with this sort of thing. Of course it’s been years since she came with me, but it was a nice, normal treat to have her there again.
I had to have my eyes dilated too and so she was great helping me pick out new glasses. Picking out new glasses is hard enough because all of them always look weird because they aren’t the old ones; they aren’t what I’m accustomed to. I couldn’t see a thing with my eyes as big as they were so she was a great help, as was the lady who helped us pick. There’s an art to picking glasses I see so I turned it over to the women folk. Hope they come out all right. I’ll show you when they come in.
I’m off to Vegoose tomorrow, everybody wish me luck. I came up with the best costume idea too. Since I’ve got four days in Vegas plus Halloween, which isn’t until Tuesday, I needed something to go along with my swanky seersucker suit. Then I started thinking that I wanted to be something heady and organic, so what better to be than a super heady organic giving tree? I cut out all these leaves on construction paper and then Brooks, Mollie and me started writing little fortune cookie quotes on the back of each one. I’m going to get a bunch of safety pins and pin the leaves to a green shirt, maybe even a camo top (which really looks like a tree) and then go around the strip giving people leaves of wisdom. Haha! We were having such a great time writing things on the leaves, everything from Shel Silverstein poems to Buddha quotes to anything with wit, like “Call your mother!” I even took some of the blank leaves over to the farm and Jim and Grandma are writing some wisdom nuggets on them too. Whoever gets a grandma leaf is going to have a blessed weekend I can tell. It’s such an interactive costume, organic too! I can’t wait to work the strip with it. I’m going to look for the most lost soul I can find and go up and give them a leaf. If I can help just ONE person it’ll all be worth it…

cookin' again

Took the car in for service this morning and Jim was nice enough to follow me out there. When we came back Grandma was in the kitchen with the cookbook open and huge pot of soup on the stove.
“You cookin’ Grandma?” I asked as I walked into the kitchen with a smile on my face.
“Yup,” Grandma says with an even better smile on her face. It was great.
Grandma Suttle’ Super Heady Beef and Vegetable soup, not too brothy, not too thick, just right. It made my day to see Grandma going at it in the kitchen again. I also had a wonderful lunch right then and there. Jim went out on the bush-hog and I ate two bowls of soup. Jim was threading the trees along the driveway with the hog too. Grandma and I were impressed watching him though the picture glass window.

cats

Spread it round and round and round...

Spread it Round - Phish

If you feel your love might quit
you only need a tiny bit
of two things I can help you see
togetherness and unity

Take a tiny measure of them
to restore your flag in love
and if it still is running down
don't concentrate and

Spread It 'Round

Never cast it carelessly
and save a tiny bit for me
because I know there's much to spare
and people need it everywhere

together we are all alone united
on a spinning stone
so if your love is running down
don't concentrate and

Spread It 'Round
Spread It 'Round
Spread It 'Round

so if it's love that you have found
don't ever trade it

Spread It 'Round
Spread It 'Round
Spread It 'Round
Spread It 'Round
and round and round
Spread It 'Round
Spread It 'Round
Spread It 'Round
Spread It 'Round
and round and round
Spread It 'Round
Spread It 'Round
Spread It 'Round
Spread It 'Round
and round and round
Spread It 'Round
Spread It 'Round
Spread It 'Round
Spread It 'Round
and round and round
etc.

the dawn

Dear _______,
I went over to Winn’s house up in Cartersville, Ga to see Mom, and because Lillian invited me to her 9th birthday party, which was today. It was a little weird going over to see Mom in her other life, but it’s so easy to see what a blessing she is to all of them. It’s so easy to see how happy they all make Mom too. So though I say weird, it’s an easy weird. I’ve only been to his house once, the day after Thanksgiving last year, and right away I can tell it has Mom’s magic touch already. I can’t really pinpoint what it is exactly, but the mountain man’s house has a woman’s, despite all the mounted deer’s. It might just be the warm, homey feeling I recognize so well in Mom’s work. We have been so blessed. She is so fortunate to find someone that makes her as happy as Winn does, and seeing her get Lillian’s birthday party together, well, Winn and I both just stood back in amazement. We can’t keep up with her. Mom came up with the idea of “Barbie in the Kitchen” so she ordered these aprons with iron-on flowers and they all started by decorating those with fabric pens. I got them going by carving a pumpkin and letting them reach inside to get out the goop, which surprisingly they loved. “Ewwww this is so sick! Awesome!”
It’s so easy to impress 4th graders! Then mom had arts and crafts tiaras they decorated with glue on jewels and glitter pens, then a Barbie piñata, and then she baked these crown shaped cookies and all the girls decorated them with icing and sprinkles. Mom sure does have a lot of love to give, and she really enjoys doing what she does. That’s what I realized, what makes her happy is when she has people she can share her love with. What was so hard when she didn’t have Dad around anymore was that she couldn’t find ways to share her love the way she was so used to doing. She was so sad because her and Dad were such a magical combo she never thought she could find a way to be that happy again. The universe works in mysterious ways though. It’s only when you are willing to be surprised that you can allow life to open your eyes again in ways you never dreamed possible. She impresses me more and more. I’m so glad I went over to participate with the new branch of family and make sure Mom knows that I support her 110%. I just want her to be happy, just like she wants us to be happy. It’s really nice to walk in the door and hear the kids screaming, “Cole’s here! Cole’s here! Yaaaaaaay! Cole’s here!” It means a lot to all of us. Mom found a way to bring new life and love into my life too. I even got to shoot Lillian’s gold AK-47. Haha, Winn and his hobbies. His house is amazing too. He has 50 acres on the top of a mountain in a house he designed and built himself out of local wood, and no television. Those kids find more ways to stay entertained then I would ever imagine. It’s like their superhero power. They can just “play” like flipping on a switch. It’s something else to watch, really.
Again, I am just so amazed by my mother. Her ability to remain open is paralleled only by grandma’s, who at 89 is still a sponge for life. My goal is to be open about everything for as long as I live. To never cut myself off from anything because I “judge it” or label it. Especially when it’s something I’ve never even tried. That’s hard to explain, but I feel what I mean. I wouldn’t have considered Mom spiritual really before Dad died. Not really not-spiritual either, it just wasn’t a huge part of our lives because we had been so blessed; we didn’t need it to be thankful for what we had. We were simply thankful. I guess I mean we didn’t need it to be intense, the way we need it now. It’s the hard times in life that bring out the brightest shades of divine in us. The amazing thing about love, especially my mother’s, is that it can only grow. I feel like she loves Brooks and I more than ever, at least as much as ever, and in addition to all that I see her loving Winn and Lillian and Abel and his other children too, and I see them loving her back just as much. On top of all that I see her loving Dad just as much too. It’s just a different phase of love now that he’s gone. It’s all love though. All of it.
It all seems miraculous when I think about it. Love is so powerful. Thinking about everything almost brings me to tears, but they are strange tears of joy. Sometimes I feel like a circuit and when I tune in to all the positiveness in our lives, all the blessings we’ve been given, this current beyond my capacity to function with runs through my body, and that’s when those strange, powerful tears come. I see in Mom’s wake all the blessings she bestows in the places around us and I have no other reaction but to get teary eyed and count my lucky stars. My capacity to comprehend wonders of this sort maxes out sometimes. Thus, the strange and wonderful tears. Thank God for those. I think that’s what a religious experience is to me. Life keeps getting fresher and more alive and more abundant, and for a while I never thought that would be possible after Dad died. None of us did I don’t think. We might have consciously kidded ourselves that it would, but that was because that was the only thing we knew to do. That’s what you have to do sometimes. I was expecting there to be this vacuum in his absence, but we were all strong enough to power through the space and fill it with graciousness, and now it’s blossomed in an unimaginable way. It’s such a powerful experience to realize life can still surprise you and get better everyday.
It’s funny because your Dad and I have been emailing each other a lot lately, mostly about aspects of my Dad he remembers, and then more recently we dipped into the religious sector. We are kind of similar in that we both lost our father’s, but different circumstances and reactions of course. Your Dad is very well read in the Bible, and I try to get across to him that I really don’t disagree with where he ends up, I just have a different path of getting to the sort of divine graciousness I have for life than he does. I used to hear stories about how my Dad and your Dad used to do this same sort of thing, intense smart-man’s religious banter. To me the essence of religion is to get to a point where you can feel the presence of something higher in every moment and every aspect of your life, good times and bad. I don’t really need to quote an ancient book that’s hard to relate to in our modern day context in order to awaken that in myself, but I respect the intellectual grip on Christianity that your father has. I just hope it provides the full amount of bliss in life that it can. I have learned through the overworking of my own mind that sometimes I think it out too much instead of just saying thank you and doing something kind for someone. Keep it simple, but try to make it sweet. Either way, I do appreciate your Dad’s willingness and excitement to share his faith with me and try to help me out on some tough questions I have.
Well I’m getting super excited for this weekend. I leave Friday to go to Vegas for the Vegoose Music Festival (www.vegoose.com). It is honestly the most incredible music lineup I have ever had in a consecutive four days in my entire life. That may sound strange if you don’t understand the sort of music I dig and all that comes with it, but this email is getting long enough. I’ll explain that more in depth after I get back. It’s funny because when I hit hard times I turned to music to get me through it, your Dad turned to the Bible, but we both go through it. Music is powerful because I can relate to it, I can interrelate to it, I can participate with it and meet it with myself and it opens up deep pockets in my soul that come flooding out and bring about those strange tears even. Different strokes for different folks, but it’s all the same divine essence. Anyways, on top of the music I get to see a bunch of my Utah friends I haven’t seen in a while. I couldn’t find a decent ticket coming back to Birmingham from Vegas either, so instead I’m driving back with my friends to Park City to spend Halloween, since it’s on a Tuesday, and then flying back here from Salt Lake. I’m resting up this week and getting myself mentally prepared for this monster adventure I’m about to have. Did you know ”hallo” means sacred? What a wonderful twist on the day of the dead. I love hanging out with different friends from different places. I’m winging a lot of it too which adds to the “anything can happen” atmosphere. Gotta leave yourself open after all, that way ANYTHING CAN HAPPEN, right? Especially in a place as crazy as Vegas. Other than my tickets and the late nite shows I’m going too, I don’t even have a place to stay for sure, just great adventuresome friends to meet up with and a head full of the right attitude. I guess these sorts of adventures are the other places where I have those experiences I might call revelation and epiphany. As grandma would say, “Oh Boy!” Winn, whose brilliant, gave me an intense lesson on playing craps today so I’ve got a head full of insider information on running the tables, too. I’ve never really known how to play before, I always kind of just screwed around or didn’t bother, but now I know, and I know from a pro. A little confidence mixed with no expectations never hurt anyone. You’ll have to wish me luck all week, ok? Whenever I cross your mind- wish me luck. I really think it’ll help. Heck it could only help, right?

As ever,
Cole

Q and A

Q: Do you get pleasure from your relationship with God?

A: Simplicity is what I’m going for. It’s the illusion of the need for complexity that leaves room for misuse. I enjoy my relationship with God very much. Pleasure is a strange word to use because it seems temporal, but I would be lying if I said I didn’t get pleasure from my relationship with God. My relationship consists of personal experience, it is very intimate. God is my buddy and my guide but he gave me freewill so I have to make my own choices. He is never bitter or jealous or vengeful. If I do something I know to be wrong I will pay for it, not by eternal damnation but through experience, the echo of the Golden Rule/Karma. Through experience we learn our lessons. Given the different degree of advantages and disadvantages people are born with, I have too much respect for God to believe that he expects everyone to get it right in a single lifetime. All those people that never hear the Gospel, are they going to hell for eternity? This is inconceivable to me. Everyone is on a path towards enlightenment, and if in this lifetime you are lucky enough to have context and love enough to move forwards, that is a divine blessing beyond comprehension. If not, if you do not live by love, then you will live another life in which you have the opportunity to burn off bad karma, most likely a life much less enjoyable than this one. It is not a personal God who is spiting you; he is a loving father that hopes you get it right, but understands all the cards stacked up against you because he created your fallible ego and this world of temptation. If I count my blessings and return the love I have received I believe God approves of me. If I find a way to love others and the world even more than I have been loved, well then that’s saintly. Sometimes bad things happen when I don’t know what I have done wrong, and in those cases I do not beat myself up and consider myself a “sinner”, I merely understand that bad things happen. Without Bad there would be no appreciation for the Good. This is why the Old Testament is helpful to me. It lays out a binary system of good and bad polar opposites, but once you have the Christ experience good and bad is more like common sense. Out of suffering comes closeness to God. It is during those times my faith grows the most because God gives you exactly what you can handle, and I am honored by His faith in me to weather the storm. Personally the only way I can justify having all the advantages I've been given in this life such as family, structure, financial means, a good head on my shoulders, is that I must have done something good in a past life. I'm ripe to learn lessons.
As I have taken the time to study religions I find that the confusion of the nature of God and the ambiguities in the Bible leaves people feeling alienated and they throw out the baby with the bathwater. I see priests molesting children, I see people killing themselves and others for “God,” I see politics using religion for personal gain, I see good hearted people being taken advantage of in the name of God, I see corruption of the simple and ultimate message of Christ- practice Unconditional Love. Keep it simple, exactly. I went down the road studying the Bible historically and the one conclusion I am sure of is that, though a holy tome for sure, it is made by humans and humans are fallible, like myself, but not like God. The Council of Nicea? Which books were to be included in the cannon were decided by humans with questionable motives. I admit it would be simpler to follow blindly, but that goes against my intuition, my honest intuition given to me by God.
I have also seen religion work for people. It seems to work for you, and when I go with Grandma to Sunday School I see how it can work for simple people, simply. Not everyone needs to dig so deep in this lifetime I suppose, but I have been exposed to too many legitimate sets of truth and seen too much of the dark side of organized religion to simply accept it all without question. Jesus was a rebel, wasn’t he? People pick and choose which parts of the Bible they want to follow, but there seems to be a much simpler way. Teach the Golden Rule, or Karma, and make people responsible for themselves. There are no victims in the world. Everything is set up perfectly for each of us to wake up from our own karmic debts. I’m sure you’re thinking reincarnation is just silly. Well historically it would not be a good idea for the people who are trying to motivate people through fear of eternal damnation to introduce the idea of reincarnation. If you could die and be reborn in China having never heard of the Gospel, that takes away the punch of that argument to follow them. Also, I can’t remember when I was 2 years old, and yet I’m sure I was two at one point. How arrogant of me to assume if I had lived past lives I would be able to remember them.
I enjoy God because he is like a friend to me. He is always there, and he always understands more than I do, and he works through grace and providence and I am thankful for that. I have no problem relating to people of other faiths who embody the qualities of God I worship, such as compassion, unconditional love, forgiveness, joy, humility and self realization. God is not someplace else; he is everywhere, immanent and transcendent. He is all knowing and all understanding and I trust that he knows in my heart my intentions are pure. I trust he knows the Bible is fallible too.
I’m not sure we disagree each other on that much, asides from reincarnation perhaps, we are just using different language to reach the same end within our self. I'm sure its cliché to say, but spirituality is the pure form of religion, and spirituality is experienced by few it seems. There is a level of truth the masses operate on, and there is a level of truth God and individuals one on one work on. I don’t mean to pick anybody’s religion apart which is why I rarely have these sorts of conversations. If it works it works, that’s what’s most important. Faith, believing in something higher, is like a sixth sense, a gift of creation. It is less important what exactly you believe as long as you believe. As long as that faith is one of unconditional love it is valid.
What do you think about those David Hawkins quotes I posted at the end, and what does the Galatians quote mean? Once you get “it” can’t you transcend it? Do we build on the past or are we anchored down by it?
Now I hate to generalize Christianity because I don’t throw the baby out with the bathwater. In principal, Christianity, Christ especially, is a very direct route to God. Over time the truest, inner core of religious and spiritual truths are dissipated to the masses. Very few actually know what Christ said I feel like, unless he whispered in their ear himself. We are fallible in our reading of the Bible, it’s hard to relate too, but traits such as humility and compassion and love can supersede our misunderstandings. Many pretend to be Christians on the outside because it is useful and profitable, and they start the “GOD Channel” or they endorse their favorite candidate for kickbacks. People, smart, sensible, good people have a right to be weary.
I enjoy these conversations with you because you have an intellectual grip on the Bible as a whole like nobody else that’s been willing to talk to me. I respect that greatly. You have taken the time to make it make sense, and it does for you because you have a good heart. In many ways the Bible is a reflection of the person reading it. This is both a blessing and a danger, but true power has to ride that edge. When we talk it isn’t really about myself, I am strong in my faith. I hope that sounds humble, I mean to be humble. I’m not trying to convert you or “win” any of these discussions, that’s missing the point entirely. It is the masses I seem to be subconsciously concerned with. The understandably alienated souls who can’t get through all the baggage organized religion comes with due to it’s history and the overwhelming availability of different opinions open to people these days through things like the news and the internet. How can you make it simple for people to see God in their every waking moment and find purpose to their life, without trying to scare them with concepts such as sin? We need to make people ultimately responsible for themselves.

25At that time Jesus said, "I praise you, Father, Lord of heaven and earth, because you have hidden these things from the wise and learned, and revealed them to little children. 26Yes, Father, for this was your good pleasure.

This seems very Zen to me. Is this a reference to literal children or to a state of mind that is pure? This is what I feel when I close my eyes and breathe deep while standing in the middle of the field, watching the leaves blow in the wind, musing on the awesomeness and beauty of nature. This is pleasurable to me too, and so in that sense my relationship with God is very pleasurable. Absolute Truth is not going to be either/or, it is going to be a new way to see both/and as part of the same whole. If God is omnipotent and omniscient then everything is God, not just the good stuff.

holy rain

it's been raining around here...

Tears of a Cloud
(for my Father)
chs

I can’t tell if it’s thunder
or your footsteps coming down the hall
but miraculously or not, a perfect drop of rain
manages to cling sideways on my grimy window.

But through the glass and through your tear
something new magnifies itself of myself
and for the length of a reflection
I thought I saw you magnified
outside looking in,
and you looked a lot like me.

Thirty blinks later a crack of particles the color of God
strikes the tree outside my window
and through the tear and through the glass
that burning tree saw me.

“It’s nice to be recognized,” we both realized
sharing this common space
through our own views,
from our own spots
in this One world.

+

APPARITIONS
Walt Whitman

A vague mist hanging ‘round half the pages:
(Sometimes how strange and clear to the soul,
That all these solid things are indeed but apparitions, Con-
cepts, non-realities.)

the pear that spiked itself on the way down

the pear fell off the tree and spiked itself on the way down, isn't that funny?

i've been pulling some attention away from the blog and towards the book, but you'll get to read the book too.

meetting people is easy, getting to know them is a different story. active passive BOOM!

+

Here's a letter I found on Pop's computer. He was a proud Papa. I'm proud of my Papa.

Dec. 1, 2003
Columbiana, AL
Dean Kim B. Clark
Harvard Business School Reference: Harvard’s Course in business ethics

Dear Sir:
There is a company in the L.A. area of California, California Lighting and Sales that was owned and operated by my son, Frank Allan Suttle ( MBA Harvard 1972 ) until his death in 02. The Company had 60 to 65 employees. Allan operated the company strictly in accordance with what he had been taught at Harvard and his personal ethics were above reproach all of his life. The company made Allan and his heirs wealthy, he in turn made all of his employees and many of his associates in the Commercial lighting industry of California wealthy.
My purpose in writing this letter is that you might be interested in using it as a case study in any way you see fit.


Respectfully

John F. Suttle

Widespread Panic

Widespread Panic came to town last night. I try really hard to give them due credit, they just don’t quite do it for me. They never seem to settle down, too much chaos too often. Not to say I don’t have moments though. The “Life During Wartime” (Why go to college? Why go to night school? This ain’t no foolin’ around) was a moment, but the “Wish You Were Here” had the spiritual tenor I appreciate so much. It’s always a good time if you are with your friends of course. The singer from North Mississippi All-Stars came out and played the electric washboard, that was a highlight too. After the show I was reminded of the final Phish tour and how dark the scene can get. I remembered why Phish had to let it go. There are a lot of lost souls wandering through the parking lot. The scene can become a cancer when it gets too big, and Widespread I think probably has the biggest touring scene still around. It’s such a large production when they come in to town. With having to play big arena gigs comes too many twitching people stumbling on themselves. It’s not really the band’s fault, it just seems to be the natural life and death cycle of the whale. They start local and then they grow and grow throughout their lifetime and become the life source for a lot of parasites. It’s all part of it I guess.
One of the reasons I think String Cheese does so well is because they’re really smart about where they play, and how hard they tour, and they take the time to make sure the scene stays clean enough for family folk. At least they do their best in their invisible ways. It’s frustrating of course when you don’t get to see them all the time, but when you see them that magic spark is always there. The freshness that creates the intimacy that makes them special has to be protected. They do a good job of that.
James did point out to me how part of the appeal of Widespread is that they touch on a lot of southern culture in their songs. Water, horses, lots of window references, lots of ghosts and deep dark south feeling. Southern Archetypes, they touch on some powerful energies, I’ll give them that. and I still had a great time. It’s always great when you get to hang out with friends.

Wisdom Downloaded October 14th, 2006
- One of the hardest lessons in life to learn is to learn you have to let go.
- It’s very important who you think you’re talking to.
- Everybody needs a little guided darkness in their life.
- The room is full of people’s insides.
- Fall awakens a zest for the eternal.
- You gotta go out and find the way that’s going to be able to express the Divine to you. The Divine in every moment.
- It’s really cool to think of your Grandmother flourishing.
- It’s not an argument, it’s constructive disagreement.
- Stay in touch with the people you never need to catch up with.
- Love Brother.
- The Anti-movement Movement

As I look deeper into the lyrics of the setlist I can appreciate that there is certainly a freshness going on in its own way. Ideally bands that define themselves with their live shows and play a different setlist every show can be considered to be having an ongoing conversation with the crowd. Because it is current and of the moment song selection seems fitting in many ways particular to the context of the day and times of the night of the show. By always talking about the present one is capable of never running out of things to talk about. The news, the scene, the state of the union, what you had for breakfast, how you’re feeling about a certain someone, any of the endless sorts of things we think about and talk about with ourselves and with our closest friends, day to day. It is this sense of the present that makes for all those moments of connection and identification with the band and the overall energy of the crowd as they “rock” so to speak. This is the source of coincidences and intimacy. Each of us are having our own ongoing conversation with the overarching collective whole, the sum of all parts, the Self. The edge of the present moment is filled with a powerful type of energy when you’re actually in there vibrating in it as it actually happens. Every air molecule in the arena is vibrating with the same frequencies as all the other air molecules. Same same but different. There are certain waves that are inside everyone at the same moment. “The room is full of people’s insides.” I guess you could say this about being in a Chapel for Sunday Service too. The power of people thinking reverent thoughts towards something that is the same, like the live frequency of a band, a special band for whatever reason, with all the thoughts and experiences that come with that. Perhaps these sorts of conversations with the collective evanescence are what make for revelation, understanding, clarity, and most importantly, an appreciation for the humor of the “cosmic giggle” when you’re the butt of the joke.
Here are the lyrics to a few of the songs they played, see if it makes sense. It won’t really make sense as much as it has the capacity to make sense to the people who were actually there, from lot scene to after-party. The more you have in common the deeper the conversation seems to be. That’s the power of the inside joke.
Do you have any inside jokes with God? Some things are personal, some things are universal, and sometimes it seems like the universal is talking just to you. Sometimes it feels like a cosmic mix-tape from your cosmic girlfriend.

10/14/06 Birmingham Jefferson Convention Complex Arena, Birmingham, AL

1: Disco > Chilly Water, Tall Boy > Little Lilly, Barstools and Dreamers** > Time Zones**, Jack**, From the Cradle**, Life During Wartime 2: Conrad, Travelin' Man*, Wish You Were Here*, Party at Your Mama's House** > Driving Song** > Surprise Valley*** > Drums**** > Surprise Valley > Pusherman > Driving Song, Chainsaw City E: Pilgrims, Ain't Life Grand * with John Keane on Guitar
** with John Keane on Pedal Steel
*** with Cody Dickinson on Washboard
**** with Cecil 'Peanut' Daniels and Cody Dickinson on Percussion

[North Mississippi Allstars opened; Wish You Were Here LTP 6/29/03]

+
(on tall grass- like the heady hay we grow at the farm)
Tall Boy
Widespread Panic

Was broken down, by the side of the road, yeah
Was crawling in the darkness like a king snake in the woods
We were hiding in the tall grass
Hiding in the tall grass
Just looking for a place to shed our skins

We're gonna summon the Holy Ghost from the battlefield
And in the morning this old world won't be the same
Won't be the same, Lord

Snapshot lightning, monumental expressions,
Silhouette faces in the flesh of Cypress trees and killing vines
Naked in the mud, girl
Let's sling a little mud, girl
Just looking for a place to shed our skins

We're gonna summon the Holy Ghost from the battlefield
And in the morning this old world won't be the same
We're gonna summon the Holy Ghost from the battlefield
And in the morning this old world won't be the same
Won't be the same, Lord

Feeling weak in the Itta Bina hot sun
Crawling to the station we were foamin' at the mouth
Sippin' on a tall boy, sippin' on a tall boy
Just looking for a place to shed our skins

We're gonna summon the Holy Ghost from the battlefield
And in the morning this old world won't be the same
We're gonna summon the Holy Ghost from the battlefield
And in the morning this old world won't be the same
We're gonna summon the Holy Ghost from the battlefield
And in the morning this old world won't be the same
Show me the way, Lord!
+
Jack
Widespread Panic

Jack was really a jester
Who held his one good eye on the queen
And there sat the king beside her
He's pointing his sword up and down with every scene
And the wizard's in the corner
Catching peanuts between his teeth
And the dogs lying in the shadow in the archway
There's one good dog sleeping filled with good ol' dog dreams

He slipped next to the wizard
Whispered something deep, to the bottom of his ear
A little joke, the one about the farmer's daughter
How she was stomping on grapes, coming up with blue feet and beer
And he slipped behind the queen
Where the fools go the rich don't mind
Lately the king's (k)nights have turned a little rusty
And his halo - I mean his crown - has gone and slipped down around his eyes

The wizard's in the corner
Pulling lizards between his knees
And the dog he been long gone
Gone to pitch for the winning team
Fifty-two, I mean fifty-four bicycles on the wall
Ready to ride, ready to ride until the last of them falls
Jack's been cooking in the kitchen
Whompin' up some biscuits for us all
For us all, For us all
Ready to ride, ready to ride, ride

+
(On the obvious in everybody’s mind)
LIFE DURING WARTIME
Talking Heads

Heard of a van that is loaded with weapons
packed up and ready to go
Heard of some gravesites, out by the highway
a place where nobody knows
The sound of gunfire, off in the distance
I'm getting used to it now
Lived in a brownstone, lived in the ghetto
I've lived all over this town

This ain't no party, this ain't no disco
this ain't no fooling around
No time for dancing, or lovey dovey
I ain't got time for that now

Transmit the message, to the receiver
hope for an answer some day
I got three passports, couple of visas
don't even know my real name
High on a hillside, trucks are loading
everything's ready to roll
I sleep in the daytime, I work in the nightime
I might not ever get home

This ain't no party, this ain't no disco
this ain't no fooling around
This ain't no mudd club, or C. B. G. B.
I ain't got time for that now

Heard about Houston? Heard about Detroit?
Heard about Pittsburgh, PA?
You oughta know not to stand by the window
somebody might see you up there
I got some groceries, some peanut butter
to last a couple of days
But I ain't got no speakers
ain't got no headphones
ain't got no records to play

Why stay in college? Why go to night school?
Gonna be different this time?
Can't write a letter, can't send a postcard
I can't write nothing at all
This ain't no party, this ain't no disco
this ain't no fooling around
I'd love you hold you, I'd like to kiss you
I ain't got no time for that now

Trouble in transit, got through the roadblock
we blended in with the crowd
We got computers, we're tapping phone lines
I know that ain't allowed
We dress like students, we dress like housewives
or in a suit and a tie
I changed my hairstyle so many times now
don't know what I look like!
You make me shiver, I feel so tender
we make a pretty good team
Don't get exhausted, I'll do some driving
you ought to get you some sleep
Get you instructions, follow directions
then you should change your address
Maybe tomorrow, maybe the next day
whatever you think is best
Burned all my notebooks, what good are notebooks?
They won't help me survive
My chest is aching, burns like a furnace
the burning keeps me alive
Try to stay healthy, physical fitness
don't want to catch no disease
Try to be careful, don't take no chances
you better watch what you say
+
(spoke to me)
Travelin' Man
Widespread Panic

Been thinkin' all day
Packin' my car
With this baggage of mine
I wouldn't get too far

Stored away on a bus
No need to hide
I'm slowing down
Catchin' one last ride

Been feelin' alright
For a couple of days
Either in a fog
Or a sunny haze

Got a big hole
In my deflector screen
What I really need
Warp nine, Geordi, please

Wanna keep my eyes on the road
Wanna carry my life in a bag
Like to live in a hotel room
Wanna be a travelin' man

Wanna keep my eyes on the road
Wanna carry my life in a bag
Like to live in a hotel room
Wanna be a travelin' man
Wanna be a travelin' man
Wanna be a travelin' man

I'm down the road
Somewhere in between
Been thinkin' about
What's underneath

It's all in my mind
I got a brand new start
All I can do
Is take care of my heart

Wanna keep my eyes on the road
Wanna carry my life in a bag
Like to live in a hotel room
Wanna be a travelin' man

Wanna keep my eyes on the road
Wanna carry my life in a bag
Like to live in a hotel room
Wanna be a travelin' man
Wanna be a travelin' man
Wanna be a travelin' man
+
(southern archetypes)
Surprise Valley
Widespread Panic

Oh, kiss the mountain air we breathe
Good-bye it's time to fly.
Sparrow climb, the air is thinner,
Open wings cast this valley in the shade.
Fires dance the shadows
Winds whisper the trees
Mother talkin' the water's
Spirit moves, it moves through all things.
Oh, kiss the mountain air we breathe
Good-bye it's time to fly.
Sparrow climb, the air is thinner,
Open wings cast this valley in the shade.
Fires dance the shadows
Winds whisper the trees
Mother talkin' the water's
Spirit moves, it moves through all things.
+
(On the scene)
Pusherman
Curtis Mayfield

i'm your mamma, i'm your daddy
i'm that nigga in the alley
i'm your doctor, when in need
want some coke, have some weed
you know me, i'm your friend
your main boy, thick and thin
i'm your pusherman
i'm your pusherman

haha

ain't i clean, bad machine
super cool, super mean
feelin' good, for the man
Superfly, here i stand
secret stash, heavy bread
baddest bitches, in the bed

i'm your pusherman
i'm your pusherman
i'm your pusherman

solid life, of crime
a man of odd circumstance
a victim of ghetto demands
feed me money for [style]
and i'll let you trip for a while
insecure from the past
how long can a good thing last?
woo-hoo, no
got to be mellow, y'all
gotta get mellow now
pusherman gettin' mellow y'all

heavy mind, have you signed?
makin' money all the time
my [LD] entrusts me
for all junkies to see
ghetto prince is my thing
makin' love's how i swing
i'm your pusherman
i'm your pusherman
huh

too bad, [Splee]
for a generous fee
make your world what you want it to be
got a woman i love desperately
wanna give her something better than me
been told i can't be nothin' else
just a hustler in spite of myself
i know i can rake it
this life just don't make it
lord, lord
got to get mellow now
gotta be mellow, y'all
got to get mellow now

i'm your mamma, i'm your daddy
i'm that nigga in the alley
i'm your doctor, when in need
want some coke, have some weed
you know me, i'm your friend
your man boy, thick and thin
i'm your pusherman
i'm your pusherman
+
(Widespread’s original guitarist and founding member of the band died of cancer a few years ago)
Pink Floyd
Wish You Were Here
So, so you think you can tell Heaven from Hell,
blue skies from pain.
Can you tell a green field from a cold steel rail?
A smile from a veil?
Do you think you can tell?
And did they get you to trade your heroes for ghosts?
Hot ashes for trees?
Hot air for a cool breeze?
Cold comfort for change?
And did you exchange a walk on part in the war for a lead role in a cage?
How I wish, how I wish you were here.
We're just two lost souls swimming in a fish bowl, year after year,
Running over the same old ground.
What have we found? The same old fears.
Wish you were here.
+
Pilgrims
Widespread Panic

Black cat crossed our path on little fog feet
There's crows flying beside my window
We left superstition on the roadside a few cities ago
They spent our souls, maybe, but they didn't take our smiles
We listen, we shake, the radio
There's a sweet corn princess smiling through the words on the glass
Remember we stopped for tamales last time?
But now the lights from the town are fading with radio
There's another song playing, and we can hear it in the wind outside
We listen, Pilgrims
We shake, to the radio
We listen, to the radio
Little black kitty crossed our path wearing little fog feet
And the crows they're just drifters through my window
The late night city's lights are growing sharper
And I hear another song, I see it pouring from the look in your eyes
We listen,
We shake, to the radio
Pilgrims, we listen, we shake, to the radio, the radio

simple moments

Lloyd arrived today. I saw him for just a few moments before I went over to the high school for the Homecoming Game, but we got to catch up a bit when I came back. He stopped at Golden Rule BBQ on his way in of course, that’s his favorite. Grandma knows that’s his favorite and I think she gets a kick out of it when he walks in the door with BBQ almost like clockwork every time he comes. You calculate what time his plane landed, then add about 45 minutes to an hour for drive time, and about 15 to 20 minutes for his stop at Golden Rule. The good news is we’ll have BBQ to eat for tomorrow.
The game was great, but it was a runaway. The home team, SCHS, was up 30-something to 0 at halftime. Peg Hill, the superintendent and also one of my mother’s best friends from when she was in school here (they were in the same class), spotted me as she walked by and made a crack about how they set up homecoming to be a surefire win. It’s good for moral I suppose.
The football game was just half the fun I realized because the halftime show was great too. Even though the game was pretty lopsided, Shelby County was crushing them, there were two competitions going on to enjoy. One between the football teams, one between the marching bands. I went to small private high school and I missed out on the marching band phenomena. Now when I go to the local games down here and get to see it in action I always get a kick out of it.
We need a marching band for the movement. A marching band is such a good metaphor for an organism made up of the sum of all its parts. Not everyone can be on the football team, but the marching band seems to offer something for everyone. You can play an instrument, like the tuba or the horns or the drums, or you can be a dancer and wear sequins and shiny capes, or you can be a majorette and throw the baton, or you can be the drum captain, or you can even be one of the younger siblings that runs around and hands out the different props to the dancers in between songs and sequences and stuff, kind of like a ball boy. Costumes, solos, arrangements, leaders, solos, moving formations, whistles, there’s so much you can do with a marching band. The options are almost limitless. Then I realized only half the parents are there to support their football player, maybe not even half. Lot’s of parents are there to support their kid that’s in the band, or a cheerleader. Now that I think about it the whole Friday night football event is a metaphor for a larger organism that cuts across all ages, from the younger siblings waiting for their chance to participate when they get older to the parents and elders who have already been through the process and are there to support the other generations as they go through it. Something for everyone. The sum of all parts. Organic.
Last night was the first night it turned genuinely cold down here and tonight was just the same. I think the thermometer said 47 degrees, which is cold around here. I thought I could tough it out with a fleece and a beanie but sure enough my toes even started to get cold. I made it until it was 41-7 with about two minutes to go and then headed back to catch up with Lloyd.
The highlight of the evening was a simple moment. When I came back Lloyd and Jim were in the back room and so I talked to grandma and filled her in. I mentioned who I saw and how cold it was and she said that she was sure one of Frank’s (Pop’s) jackets was probably around if I needed it. I thanked her and assured her I had enough cold weather gear from Utah. I had printed out an outline of a few of David Hawkins ideas for Jim, a few essay’s on the science behind Kinesiology such as Quantum theory and the Holographic Theory, as well as a few excerpts from Hawkins books too, just so we could have some things to talk about. Jim and I have been having daily discussions since he’s been here, and I think we ultimately agree with each other on a lot of things, we just use different language to talk about it. Jim’s more political/historical/conservative and I’m more mystical/nondual/radical spiritual truth study of consciousness I suppose. Again those are just words of course, which are the very things I’m trying not to use to talk about the truth. Not words so much as labels. I’m trying to avoid labels and categories. Nondual is the term. I would just as soon be wrong if at least it meant I knew what was right. It’s been interesting to see where Jim and I meet though, and I think the best question I’ve asked yet to open up for discussion is whether or not he believes in enlightenment, which he said he did, and so now the question becomes, “What is Enlightenment?”
I went back into the room where Jim’s staying now, the room where I was staying, the room where the internet plug-in is that Lloyd was using to check his mail. Jim and I started to talk a little bit about the essay’s I’d printed out for him while Lloyd sat at the desk next to us and checked his email and filled us in on what was going on at CNN.com. All in all it was a very normal moment I suspect, three people hanging out, almost like brother’s do, and I think that’s what I liked about it. We were just talking and going on without thinking much about it like there was nothing to it, because there wasn’t really, and then Grandma leans in the door and says goodnight like she always does. Her room’s right next to that one so I was used to the routine.
“I think I’m gonna go to bed and leave it up to you,” she says.
“Good night, Mother,” Lloyd said.
“Night, Mother,” Jim said.
“Good night Grandma!” I say with a big grin on my face.
“Good night Jim, Night Lloyd, Night Cole. Sure glad to have you,” Grandma said and headed to her bathroom to do her pre-bed routine.
I’ve been enjoying wishing grandma goodnight from that backroom since June, normally with me at the computer typing away. A very normal thing to do, but this time it was the three of us back there wishing Grandma goodnight, the brother’s and me. I was a representative of course, and honored to be one to say the least, but we still had all three branches of family back under one roof this night and I had a flash. Hard to explain what that flash was, or what a flash it, but it made me grin and feel good and think about family. How normal family moments are often times the biggest blessings, it’s just when something becomes common, like you live together, when you’re around the same family members all the time it’s easy to forget how lucky we all are to have a great family like we do. Repetition sort of just works that way on the mind. Tonight though, the normalcy of Jim, Lloyd, Grandma and I seemed to came back like riding a bike, without much thought. It was the repetition of the simple act of wishing Grandma goodnight from the backroom that gave me the perspective-flash and a big grin. She’s got all her boys back, well not all of ‘em, but you know what I mean. These things make Grandma happy, so they make me happy. They make me happy for my own reasons too.

Restless Mysto

I’ve been writing letters to people a lot lately so my BLOG time has been a little limited. In a way my BLOG is a letter too. A letter to you, a letter to me, a letter to Dad and Pop and God I presume. If they are always in my mind, or on the brink of it at least, can it ever not be a letter to them? If they are my mind, genetic and otherwise- then am I writing to myself? I like the BLOG self. It’s open, it’s honest, and it’s a little mysterious. I like mystery. What fun is life without a bit of Mysto?

October 11th huh? I am reminded of something that happened on this day four years ago.
Four days before Dad passed away Phish, which is more than a band to me and Dad knew it, announced that they were going to come off their two-year hiatus and play Madison Square Garden for New Years. I remember his fragile body still managed a smile for me when I told him that. The next day, three days before Dad passed, String Cheese Incident, which is also more than a band and more my band, announced they were going to open up their fall tour on October 11th. Where? Where else- Bozeman, MT.
I remember telling Dad this and getting an even bigger smile out of him. Bozeman was Dad’s town. He had found it years back and we’d been going ever year ever since. We still go. Same house. He even has a tree there, right next to the river. I was thinking about how he first found the house we always rent first week of August and I remembered that he bought it a charity auction. The spooky thing, looking back at least, is that the charity auction was for the Bob Chandler Foundation. Justin Chandler is a friend of mine from high school. We were in the same grade, and I remember in 8th grade his father passed away from cancer. Ominous that’s where we found the house perhaps. Mysto.
It’s strange remembering how I reacted to that back then. Mr. Chandler was a young, healthy ex-pro football player and Justin was a pretty good friend of mine. My memories of something like this happening to the “other” people are probably somewhat rooted in my memories of trying to sympathize with Justin. Back then I was still living in the naïve innocent bubble of bliss I was blessed with for a childhood. I don’t know what any of this means really, but I stumbled on these memories tracing back where we found the Bozeman house. Strange it was at an auction for my friend’s father who died young of cancer.
Anyways, I remember telling Dad, to his face, that is he didn’t make it that far I was going to meet him at the show in Bozeman. I suspect Montana is probably one of the first stops Dad made once he got across to the other side. He loved it up there, and if you’ve ever been, it’s easy to see why. God’s country no doubt. Not God’s country like the Bible belt is either, God’s country because of the mountains and the rivers and the wildlife and the big deep sky. God’s country because it is some of God’s finest work.
Dad passed away August 18th. There is a strange period of time in between then and, well, now I suppose, but I remember going to see Cheese in Bozeman, today, very clearly. It just happened to be that they were playing during SMU’s fall break, another sign perhaps, so Travis, James, and I flew up to Bozeman to see the show. From there they played in Missoula and then took a day off and played Calgary.
From the beginning all sorts of adventures befell us on that trip. We had plane tickets to Bozeman and out of Calgary four days later, so our plan was to rent a car and do the drive. Spend a night in Glacier National Park on the way, then see the show in Calgary and fly back to Dallas from there. Of course you had to be 25 to rent a car at that time, which none of us were, but Travis had his brother’s ID that looked just like him so we thought we had it covered. We were going to use his ID and my credit card. Perfect plan, right?
Well when we got there it was clear that no amount of negotiating was going to get them to rent us a car to return in Canada, nonetheless, without a credit card that matched the ID. Of course we didn’t have his brother’s credit card so for a while it looked like we were SOL. The problem was that our plane ticket was out of Calgary in four days. We had to get there somehow.
We called Travis’ brother and promised him $50 bucks on top of what the car would cost if he would overnight his credit card to the Holiday Inn we were staying at. We didn’t have any other choice and luckily Brently, Travis’ brother ,helped us out. The show in Bozeman was that night, the night of the 11th, so we went ahead and checked into our room, said a little prayer, and went on to the show. What else could we do? Our fate, our golden ticket, was riding 100% on the fact that the credit card was going to show up by checkout time the next day and we’d be able to get the car then. I was very much of the spirit by that time in my life so I was alright with our chances. I was focused on the show.
I mean, how rare is it to have the chance to actually tell your father you are going to meet him somewhere, on a specific day at a specific place, after he dies? Whether or not I was fooling myself because it helped, I was extremely porous to the signs coming in that weekend.
I had brought my friend’s video camera with me and we snuck it into the show. We arrived early and so we were sitting on the floor right in the front. I happened to be recording the scene when the lights went down and so I had the perfect shot of them as they all walked out on stage. I remember Kyle, the keyboardist, seemed to point at me. Travis saw it to and we got really excited. He’s a film editor so he was thinking was a great cut that shot could make. The lights were down, the music started, we were rocking. Before I knew what happened some guy from the other side of the rails, between the stage and the crowd, walked down the line, reached over, and took the camera right out of my hands. He didn’t say a thing and just kept on walking, pointing only once at me and motioning to follow him.
So there I go, scrambling through this crowd that has just erupted trying to keep my eyes on the guy with a walkie-talkie and my camera. We reached the edge; he pushed the rail back and let me through, and then just started walking for the door. At this point we are walking backstage, or next to the stage I guess, and I’m trailing him wondering how this is going to turn out. The thing was it wasn’t even my camera; I couldn’t afford to lose it. The other thing was that I couldn’t afford not to be at this show.
The other thing, the metaphysical joke thing, was that Dad had this thing against video cameras. “You’re never going to watch those,” he told us. He was usually right. Brooks and I both knew this, which is why at his funeral when Rich Cray dropped the video camera we had planned to record the service with and it broke, well we just laughed. Rich Cray, the greatest guy you’ll ever meet, was of course the vehicle for Dad to remind us he didn’t like cameras. As worried as I was about getting kicked out of the show, I was laughing too. I should have known better, of course. No video camera, it takes you out of the moment. I often wondered if it was better to try and capture the moment and save it for later while I was in the moment, or to focus all my energy in the moment to being in the moment and imprint a memory that way instead of artificially. Clearly, focusing on the moment was the way to go, I should have known.
So we finally get to the exit and the security guy stops and turns around and actually addresses me for the first time.
“This,” holding up the camera, “is not cool.”
“Sir, I know, you’re totally right. I’m not going to make excuses. The only thing I can tell you is that I promise it was just for personal use. I have no plans or means to make any money off this, it was just for me. See I don’t have a car here, we took a taxi, so I didn’t have any place to stash it outside. I’m so sorry, I’m just a huge fan. It’s not even my camera, please don’t kick me out. You don’t understand, I’ve got to see this show, I came all the way from Dallas. Here, take all my tapes,” I rambled in my defense.
“How do I know you don’t have more tapes?” he says as he opens the tape chamber and takes out the one that was in there. The one with the awesome shot of the band coming out of stage.
“Shit, you’re right, but I don’t, I promise I don’t.”
He must have seen the glint in my eye or something but it seemed like he recognized that I was telling the truth and that I really was just a big fan. This show meant a lot to me. He walked over to the head cop/security guard who was overseeing the people as they came in with their tickets and said to him, “Alright, since you guys let him in here with this it’s kind of your fault. What we’re going to do is let him,” pointing to me “go stash this out there, and when he comes back in you,” pointing to the cop,” are going to personally pat him down and make sure he’s clean.”
“Thank you thank you thank you!” I told the guy.
“You’re lucky, don’t let me catch you again,” and with that he was off.
I ran outside and stashed the camera in a bush. It had started to snow, first snow of the season everyone said, and I was a little worried the camera wouldn’t hold up in the cold, but at that point I didn’t care. I was laughing full fledge now that I knew I was going to get to come back in. The “cosmic giggle” knowing Dad was playing a trick on me. I stashed the camera, came back in, got patted down, and then went back to the show having only missed maybe one song.
Travis and James had no idea where I was, all they knew was that they watched the guy take the camera and then I took off following him. I slowly worked my way back onto the floor and up towards the front, but I was more concerned with getting into the music, the moment, than reaching them.
From there Dad’s presence only grew and grew. The set list was so fitting, the visuals in my mind were as if Dad was talking to me face to face. Whether my imagination is simply awe-inspiring or Dad really did meet me, to me it felt and seemed without a doubt that Dad was there. The physical coincidences just lent weight to the spiritual. Everything was so intense, I was so emotional, and it was such an amazing thing.
This day, four years ago, Dad came and met me like we said we would. I realized that you don’t hang around forever on the other side and that Dad was getting ready to move on to whatever was next. He wasn’t exactly leaving me, he was becoming me. When I needed to talk to him from then on he wasn’t going to be an other, he was going to be a part of me. He was me. I was him. I am him. I had this experience of looking into his face and then he moved into my face, and instead of looking at him, he was looking with me, from behind my eyes. We went from having four eyes between us to just two. It was so beautiful, so profound, so indescribable and so impossible to share. I can’t believe I’m even trying here, but I am. It’s the less tangible signs that he’s there that are the most powerful, but the tangible one’s like the camera incident that are physical enough to relate to people.
Earier that day the weather had grown a little chilly and I remember looking at Travis and James and saying, “You know I think they might play ‘Windy Mountain’ tonight,” and sure enough they did. Now I know these little things sound silly when you tell them again. It’s just a coincidence they played it, a probability thing, I know I know. But then again, you don’t know, and to me it was magic. If it had been just one thing that made me feel like Dad was there I would have been less sure, but there was a feeling in the air. Everything seemed loaded and subtle. I remember they played ‘Restless Wind’ and for the first time I listened to all the lyrics all the way through and it was as if that song could have been written specifically from me to Dad. I’ll post the lyrics below and you tell me what you think.
So anyways, I finally work my way back up to James and Travis, sneak up from behind, and we all have a good laugh. We were all excited to be back together and uberpumped to continue rocking. They took a set break, came back, second set rocked just as hard. Same sorts of eye’s closed communication with Dad like I’ve never had before or since.
Everyone seemed to be euphoric after the show coming outside to find the snow had started falling. It was the first night of the tour, and not only that, but we were in God’s country. The stars were so bright and brilliant, the air so cold, crisp and clear. All sorts of stuff happened after the show, and I’ll tell you those stories in person if you ask me, but what was on all our minds was whether or not the credit card was going to show. If it didn’t, we were sunk, we had no options. It had to show up.
We were up all night talking about all the strange things that had happened. We felt electric. At some point we passed out and when we woke up, sure enough, there was a package for us at the front desk. Thank God, or Dad, or Brently, or whatever, it looked like we were going to be safe.
We went back to the airport, back to rental car desk to let them know we had our credit card, only to have the lady tell us that she’d given away our reservation. She didn’t have a car.
“What! You don’t understand, we have to get to Calgary. How could you give away our car!”
It’s true we had faulted the day before but come on, we needed this car. What made it hard was that we had to return the car not only in a different state, but a different country. Hertz was the only rental company large enough to have a return office in Calgary, which is why we couldn’t use any of the other’s in the first place. We had found this out when we booked the first car. We stayed at that counter for what seemed like forever, pleading with the lady to find us a car. One lady really didn’t seem to care about our problem, but there was another lady working there who saw our desperation, perhaps delirium is a better word, and got on the phone. After calling around to all the other car rental agencies in Montana she finally found us a car. The only thing was that we were going to have to pick it up in Whitefish, MT. We could rent a car from here in Bozeman, drive it to Whitefish, drop it off, and then pick up another car there that we could take over the border and return in Calgary. SUCCESS! We were elated. The whole thing met our expectations for adventure. We thanked the lady again and again and finally got our car and were on our way to Missoula to see Cheese play again that night.
There is so much that happened before we finally got on that plane in Calgary, like when we spent two hours in Canadian customs, but those stories are for another time. I have only one other magical tidbit to share for now, but it’s the best one.
On our drive to Missoula we called Brett Moss, my bestest bud and older brother in the fraternity, to tell him all the crazy stuff that had happened. He has a mutual respect for String Cheese and the magic of jam band’s so I knew he would appreciate our ventures. He knew about Dad and had been close by the few weeks prior. I was even with him the night before Dad passed, but that’s in another story. While we were on the phone with him he was sitting at the computer and had the String Cheese fan website up where people post the set list of each show after it’s over. In other words he could see what they had played written down in list form whereas we only had our actual experience of it.
He was going through this list and he said, “So how was the new song?”
I remembered they had played a new song, a Kang song I hadn’t heard before, and it had rocked, but I had no idea what the name of it or anything was.
“Yeah all it says is ‘first time played, ‘Dawn’”
“Wait, what?” I wasn’t sure I had heard him correctly.
“It says the set list from the stage says they played a new song called ‘Dawn.’”
Holy shit. Dad really was there. I tell him I’m going to meet him at a specific place at a specific time and the band, for whatever reason, plays a new song for the first time that is named after my mother, Dawn, the love of Dad’s life. Was I making too much of this? I know I wasn’t making it up. These were factual things that had happened. Can you make too much of this? What do the odds Gods have to say about this one huh? Then again, I don’t really care what the odds Gods have to say, it was a gift.

Hard to believe that was four years ago today, but it was. Time keeps on slippin’ slippin’ slippin’…

Epilogue: Phish played New Years at Madison Square Garden and it was another incredible evening. Travis and I made it to the floor, right in front of the soundboard for the show, it was incredible. After the show we were euphoric again and didn’t want to leave so we just hung around while they played “What a wonderful world,” on the after show loud speaker. We danced and twirled on the floor of Madison Square Garden, soaking it all up. Phish was back, (for a while at least). We stayed until they literally started pushing the gates from the front of the stage back and sort of swept us out. While they were doing this though I noticed one of the personnel with a walkie-talkie walking around on the other side of the rail telling the people who were cleaning what to do and what not. He looked familiar, then it hit me. THAT’S THE SAME GUY THAT TOOK MY CAMERA! I told Travis and sure enough he verified it. I was too shy to say anything but Travis being Travis went up and talked to him and asked if he worked for String Cheese too. He said he did, or they used the same company he worked for sometimes at least. Travis asked if he remembered taking someone’s camera and kicking them out at the Bozeman show.
“Yeah I remember, but we didn’t kick him out did we? Didn’t we let him come back in?” the guy says.
Yup, sure did. Sweet.
*
Luckily they didn't take Travis' camera and we still have some photos from the evening.
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Set 1: On the Road, Cedar Laurels > White Freightliner Blues, Windy Mountain, Skin it Back > Blue Bossa¹ > Jam > Restless Wind
Set 2: Can't Stop Now, Don't Say > Jam > Born on the Wrong Planet, Up the Canyon, Desert Dawn, Joyful Sound > Drums > Search
Encore: Dirk
Notes: ¹ unfinished
First Time Played: Skin it Back (Little Feat cover), Desert Dawn (Kang original)
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(Read these closely and you'll see what I mean)
Restless Wind - Bill Nershi

As I ramble around on the outskirts of town
Visions from the past fill my mind
I remember the day that you went away
And each and every tear that I cried

Autumn chill cuts the air
Leaves blow through the sky
I feel your spirit everywhere
I can hear you sigh… restless wind

I look back on the past, time has gone by so fast
Since those trips to the hills where you lived
When I was young you were always so strong
You seemed to have the world on a string

Autumn chill cuts the air
Leaves blow through the sky
I feel your spirit everywhere
I can hear you sigh… restless wind

Roots run deep
And you ran faster than the wind
Roots run deep
I still feel all the love you send

Now I turn back towards my home but I don’t feel alone
Like I did when I left for the night
‘Cause you’re right here with me and now I can see
The spirit and the soul never die

“If you don’t find God in the next person you meet, it’s a waste of time to look any further.” -Gandhi

“When you try to set your mind to it, you miss it. When you stir your thoughts, you turn away from it. If you do not try you do not stir, you are living in stagnant water. What do you do? -Zen saying

be very wary of getting yourself into feedback loops. -chs

wispy self space

When we can see and ideal but no way to get there, it is only a matter of time before change imposes itself with the discarding of umbrella institutions, peacefully or not. But what is good or bad in this?
*
Oracle

There is a pupil in my soul that sees from all sides
Perfectly sphere, probing far lives
Never knowing if it is really here
Only knowing because it is.

*
Here’s some info on Labyrinth’s a friend- an expert on the subject- shared with me...
This site will help you on your path of understanding labyrinths, and some good books on Sacred Geometry:
http://www.labyrinth-enterprises.com/sacredgeometry.html
the ‘sacred’ part is a little hard to explain, it’s not that it’s sacred or spiritual per se, it’s more a way of looking at the universe and reality by noticing what geometric forms represent, in and of themselves… a point expanding to form a circle, or sphere in 3d, what two lines, horizontal, intersecting, express or mean when we see that, that sort of thing. Deeper in, many cultures believe these geometric forms reveal something about how stuff works, whether it’s god or the divine or physics or whatever, the name is not important. How it is all put together… the Masons believed the whole world can be created with a compass and a straightedge.
Most traditions agree, regarding the labyrinth, that the metaphor of it is the path to one’s self, one’s deepest center of consciousness, hidden by the maze of life experience, which we must retrace or disentangle to integrate… we leave, and then return, reborn, to our center.
Jason
http://dodecahedron.zaadz.com/
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(the pictures are from last fall)