Restless Mysto

I’ve been writing letters to people a lot lately so my BLOG time has been a little limited. In a way my BLOG is a letter too. A letter to you, a letter to me, a letter to Dad and Pop and God I presume. If they are always in my mind, or on the brink of it at least, can it ever not be a letter to them? If they are my mind, genetic and otherwise- then am I writing to myself? I like the BLOG self. It’s open, it’s honest, and it’s a little mysterious. I like mystery. What fun is life without a bit of Mysto?

October 11th huh? I am reminded of something that happened on this day four years ago.
Four days before Dad passed away Phish, which is more than a band to me and Dad knew it, announced that they were going to come off their two-year hiatus and play Madison Square Garden for New Years. I remember his fragile body still managed a smile for me when I told him that. The next day, three days before Dad passed, String Cheese Incident, which is also more than a band and more my band, announced they were going to open up their fall tour on October 11th. Where? Where else- Bozeman, MT.
I remember telling Dad this and getting an even bigger smile out of him. Bozeman was Dad’s town. He had found it years back and we’d been going ever year ever since. We still go. Same house. He even has a tree there, right next to the river. I was thinking about how he first found the house we always rent first week of August and I remembered that he bought it a charity auction. The spooky thing, looking back at least, is that the charity auction was for the Bob Chandler Foundation. Justin Chandler is a friend of mine from high school. We were in the same grade, and I remember in 8th grade his father passed away from cancer. Ominous that’s where we found the house perhaps. Mysto.
It’s strange remembering how I reacted to that back then. Mr. Chandler was a young, healthy ex-pro football player and Justin was a pretty good friend of mine. My memories of something like this happening to the “other” people are probably somewhat rooted in my memories of trying to sympathize with Justin. Back then I was still living in the naïve innocent bubble of bliss I was blessed with for a childhood. I don’t know what any of this means really, but I stumbled on these memories tracing back where we found the Bozeman house. Strange it was at an auction for my friend’s father who died young of cancer.
Anyways, I remember telling Dad, to his face, that is he didn’t make it that far I was going to meet him at the show in Bozeman. I suspect Montana is probably one of the first stops Dad made once he got across to the other side. He loved it up there, and if you’ve ever been, it’s easy to see why. God’s country no doubt. Not God’s country like the Bible belt is either, God’s country because of the mountains and the rivers and the wildlife and the big deep sky. God’s country because it is some of God’s finest work.
Dad passed away August 18th. There is a strange period of time in between then and, well, now I suppose, but I remember going to see Cheese in Bozeman, today, very clearly. It just happened to be that they were playing during SMU’s fall break, another sign perhaps, so Travis, James, and I flew up to Bozeman to see the show. From there they played in Missoula and then took a day off and played Calgary.
From the beginning all sorts of adventures befell us on that trip. We had plane tickets to Bozeman and out of Calgary four days later, so our plan was to rent a car and do the drive. Spend a night in Glacier National Park on the way, then see the show in Calgary and fly back to Dallas from there. Of course you had to be 25 to rent a car at that time, which none of us were, but Travis had his brother’s ID that looked just like him so we thought we had it covered. We were going to use his ID and my credit card. Perfect plan, right?
Well when we got there it was clear that no amount of negotiating was going to get them to rent us a car to return in Canada, nonetheless, without a credit card that matched the ID. Of course we didn’t have his brother’s credit card so for a while it looked like we were SOL. The problem was that our plane ticket was out of Calgary in four days. We had to get there somehow.
We called Travis’ brother and promised him $50 bucks on top of what the car would cost if he would overnight his credit card to the Holiday Inn we were staying at. We didn’t have any other choice and luckily Brently, Travis’ brother ,helped us out. The show in Bozeman was that night, the night of the 11th, so we went ahead and checked into our room, said a little prayer, and went on to the show. What else could we do? Our fate, our golden ticket, was riding 100% on the fact that the credit card was going to show up by checkout time the next day and we’d be able to get the car then. I was very much of the spirit by that time in my life so I was alright with our chances. I was focused on the show.
I mean, how rare is it to have the chance to actually tell your father you are going to meet him somewhere, on a specific day at a specific place, after he dies? Whether or not I was fooling myself because it helped, I was extremely porous to the signs coming in that weekend.
I had brought my friend’s video camera with me and we snuck it into the show. We arrived early and so we were sitting on the floor right in the front. I happened to be recording the scene when the lights went down and so I had the perfect shot of them as they all walked out on stage. I remember Kyle, the keyboardist, seemed to point at me. Travis saw it to and we got really excited. He’s a film editor so he was thinking was a great cut that shot could make. The lights were down, the music started, we were rocking. Before I knew what happened some guy from the other side of the rails, between the stage and the crowd, walked down the line, reached over, and took the camera right out of my hands. He didn’t say a thing and just kept on walking, pointing only once at me and motioning to follow him.
So there I go, scrambling through this crowd that has just erupted trying to keep my eyes on the guy with a walkie-talkie and my camera. We reached the edge; he pushed the rail back and let me through, and then just started walking for the door. At this point we are walking backstage, or next to the stage I guess, and I’m trailing him wondering how this is going to turn out. The thing was it wasn’t even my camera; I couldn’t afford to lose it. The other thing was that I couldn’t afford not to be at this show.
The other thing, the metaphysical joke thing, was that Dad had this thing against video cameras. “You’re never going to watch those,” he told us. He was usually right. Brooks and I both knew this, which is why at his funeral when Rich Cray dropped the video camera we had planned to record the service with and it broke, well we just laughed. Rich Cray, the greatest guy you’ll ever meet, was of course the vehicle for Dad to remind us he didn’t like cameras. As worried as I was about getting kicked out of the show, I was laughing too. I should have known better, of course. No video camera, it takes you out of the moment. I often wondered if it was better to try and capture the moment and save it for later while I was in the moment, or to focus all my energy in the moment to being in the moment and imprint a memory that way instead of artificially. Clearly, focusing on the moment was the way to go, I should have known.
So we finally get to the exit and the security guy stops and turns around and actually addresses me for the first time.
“This,” holding up the camera, “is not cool.”
“Sir, I know, you’re totally right. I’m not going to make excuses. The only thing I can tell you is that I promise it was just for personal use. I have no plans or means to make any money off this, it was just for me. See I don’t have a car here, we took a taxi, so I didn’t have any place to stash it outside. I’m so sorry, I’m just a huge fan. It’s not even my camera, please don’t kick me out. You don’t understand, I’ve got to see this show, I came all the way from Dallas. Here, take all my tapes,” I rambled in my defense.
“How do I know you don’t have more tapes?” he says as he opens the tape chamber and takes out the one that was in there. The one with the awesome shot of the band coming out of stage.
“Shit, you’re right, but I don’t, I promise I don’t.”
He must have seen the glint in my eye or something but it seemed like he recognized that I was telling the truth and that I really was just a big fan. This show meant a lot to me. He walked over to the head cop/security guard who was overseeing the people as they came in with their tickets and said to him, “Alright, since you guys let him in here with this it’s kind of your fault. What we’re going to do is let him,” pointing to me “go stash this out there, and when he comes back in you,” pointing to the cop,” are going to personally pat him down and make sure he’s clean.”
“Thank you thank you thank you!” I told the guy.
“You’re lucky, don’t let me catch you again,” and with that he was off.
I ran outside and stashed the camera in a bush. It had started to snow, first snow of the season everyone said, and I was a little worried the camera wouldn’t hold up in the cold, but at that point I didn’t care. I was laughing full fledge now that I knew I was going to get to come back in. The “cosmic giggle” knowing Dad was playing a trick on me. I stashed the camera, came back in, got patted down, and then went back to the show having only missed maybe one song.
Travis and James had no idea where I was, all they knew was that they watched the guy take the camera and then I took off following him. I slowly worked my way back onto the floor and up towards the front, but I was more concerned with getting into the music, the moment, than reaching them.
From there Dad’s presence only grew and grew. The set list was so fitting, the visuals in my mind were as if Dad was talking to me face to face. Whether my imagination is simply awe-inspiring or Dad really did meet me, to me it felt and seemed without a doubt that Dad was there. The physical coincidences just lent weight to the spiritual. Everything was so intense, I was so emotional, and it was such an amazing thing.
This day, four years ago, Dad came and met me like we said we would. I realized that you don’t hang around forever on the other side and that Dad was getting ready to move on to whatever was next. He wasn’t exactly leaving me, he was becoming me. When I needed to talk to him from then on he wasn’t going to be an other, he was going to be a part of me. He was me. I was him. I am him. I had this experience of looking into his face and then he moved into my face, and instead of looking at him, he was looking with me, from behind my eyes. We went from having four eyes between us to just two. It was so beautiful, so profound, so indescribable and so impossible to share. I can’t believe I’m even trying here, but I am. It’s the less tangible signs that he’s there that are the most powerful, but the tangible one’s like the camera incident that are physical enough to relate to people.
Earier that day the weather had grown a little chilly and I remember looking at Travis and James and saying, “You know I think they might play ‘Windy Mountain’ tonight,” and sure enough they did. Now I know these little things sound silly when you tell them again. It’s just a coincidence they played it, a probability thing, I know I know. But then again, you don’t know, and to me it was magic. If it had been just one thing that made me feel like Dad was there I would have been less sure, but there was a feeling in the air. Everything seemed loaded and subtle. I remember they played ‘Restless Wind’ and for the first time I listened to all the lyrics all the way through and it was as if that song could have been written specifically from me to Dad. I’ll post the lyrics below and you tell me what you think.
So anyways, I finally work my way back up to James and Travis, sneak up from behind, and we all have a good laugh. We were all excited to be back together and uberpumped to continue rocking. They took a set break, came back, second set rocked just as hard. Same sorts of eye’s closed communication with Dad like I’ve never had before or since.
Everyone seemed to be euphoric after the show coming outside to find the snow had started falling. It was the first night of the tour, and not only that, but we were in God’s country. The stars were so bright and brilliant, the air so cold, crisp and clear. All sorts of stuff happened after the show, and I’ll tell you those stories in person if you ask me, but what was on all our minds was whether or not the credit card was going to show. If it didn’t, we were sunk, we had no options. It had to show up.
We were up all night talking about all the strange things that had happened. We felt electric. At some point we passed out and when we woke up, sure enough, there was a package for us at the front desk. Thank God, or Dad, or Brently, or whatever, it looked like we were going to be safe.
We went back to the airport, back to rental car desk to let them know we had our credit card, only to have the lady tell us that she’d given away our reservation. She didn’t have a car.
“What! You don’t understand, we have to get to Calgary. How could you give away our car!”
It’s true we had faulted the day before but come on, we needed this car. What made it hard was that we had to return the car not only in a different state, but a different country. Hertz was the only rental company large enough to have a return office in Calgary, which is why we couldn’t use any of the other’s in the first place. We had found this out when we booked the first car. We stayed at that counter for what seemed like forever, pleading with the lady to find us a car. One lady really didn’t seem to care about our problem, but there was another lady working there who saw our desperation, perhaps delirium is a better word, and got on the phone. After calling around to all the other car rental agencies in Montana she finally found us a car. The only thing was that we were going to have to pick it up in Whitefish, MT. We could rent a car from here in Bozeman, drive it to Whitefish, drop it off, and then pick up another car there that we could take over the border and return in Calgary. SUCCESS! We were elated. The whole thing met our expectations for adventure. We thanked the lady again and again and finally got our car and were on our way to Missoula to see Cheese play again that night.
There is so much that happened before we finally got on that plane in Calgary, like when we spent two hours in Canadian customs, but those stories are for another time. I have only one other magical tidbit to share for now, but it’s the best one.
On our drive to Missoula we called Brett Moss, my bestest bud and older brother in the fraternity, to tell him all the crazy stuff that had happened. He has a mutual respect for String Cheese and the magic of jam band’s so I knew he would appreciate our ventures. He knew about Dad and had been close by the few weeks prior. I was even with him the night before Dad passed, but that’s in another story. While we were on the phone with him he was sitting at the computer and had the String Cheese fan website up where people post the set list of each show after it’s over. In other words he could see what they had played written down in list form whereas we only had our actual experience of it.
He was going through this list and he said, “So how was the new song?”
I remembered they had played a new song, a Kang song I hadn’t heard before, and it had rocked, but I had no idea what the name of it or anything was.
“Yeah all it says is ‘first time played, ‘Dawn’”
“Wait, what?” I wasn’t sure I had heard him correctly.
“It says the set list from the stage says they played a new song called ‘Dawn.’”
Holy shit. Dad really was there. I tell him I’m going to meet him at a specific place at a specific time and the band, for whatever reason, plays a new song for the first time that is named after my mother, Dawn, the love of Dad’s life. Was I making too much of this? I know I wasn’t making it up. These were factual things that had happened. Can you make too much of this? What do the odds Gods have to say about this one huh? Then again, I don’t really care what the odds Gods have to say, it was a gift.

Hard to believe that was four years ago today, but it was. Time keeps on slippin’ slippin’ slippin’…

Epilogue: Phish played New Years at Madison Square Garden and it was another incredible evening. Travis and I made it to the floor, right in front of the soundboard for the show, it was incredible. After the show we were euphoric again and didn’t want to leave so we just hung around while they played “What a wonderful world,” on the after show loud speaker. We danced and twirled on the floor of Madison Square Garden, soaking it all up. Phish was back, (for a while at least). We stayed until they literally started pushing the gates from the front of the stage back and sort of swept us out. While they were doing this though I noticed one of the personnel with a walkie-talkie walking around on the other side of the rail telling the people who were cleaning what to do and what not. He looked familiar, then it hit me. THAT’S THE SAME GUY THAT TOOK MY CAMERA! I told Travis and sure enough he verified it. I was too shy to say anything but Travis being Travis went up and talked to him and asked if he worked for String Cheese too. He said he did, or they used the same company he worked for sometimes at least. Travis asked if he remembered taking someone’s camera and kicking them out at the Bozeman show.
“Yeah I remember, but we didn’t kick him out did we? Didn’t we let him come back in?” the guy says.
Yup, sure did. Sweet.
*
Luckily they didn't take Travis' camera and we still have some photos from the evening.
*
Set 1: On the Road, Cedar Laurels > White Freightliner Blues, Windy Mountain, Skin it Back > Blue Bossa¹ > Jam > Restless Wind
Set 2: Can't Stop Now, Don't Say > Jam > Born on the Wrong Planet, Up the Canyon, Desert Dawn, Joyful Sound > Drums > Search
Encore: Dirk
Notes: ¹ unfinished
First Time Played: Skin it Back (Little Feat cover), Desert Dawn (Kang original)
*
(Read these closely and you'll see what I mean)
Restless Wind - Bill Nershi

As I ramble around on the outskirts of town
Visions from the past fill my mind
I remember the day that you went away
And each and every tear that I cried

Autumn chill cuts the air
Leaves blow through the sky
I feel your spirit everywhere
I can hear you sigh… restless wind

I look back on the past, time has gone by so fast
Since those trips to the hills where you lived
When I was young you were always so strong
You seemed to have the world on a string

Autumn chill cuts the air
Leaves blow through the sky
I feel your spirit everywhere
I can hear you sigh… restless wind

Roots run deep
And you ran faster than the wind
Roots run deep
I still feel all the love you send

Now I turn back towards my home but I don’t feel alone
Like I did when I left for the night
‘Cause you’re right here with me and now I can see
The spirit and the soul never die