the dawn

Dear _______,
I went over to Winn’s house up in Cartersville, Ga to see Mom, and because Lillian invited me to her 9th birthday party, which was today. It was a little weird going over to see Mom in her other life, but it’s so easy to see what a blessing she is to all of them. It’s so easy to see how happy they all make Mom too. So though I say weird, it’s an easy weird. I’ve only been to his house once, the day after Thanksgiving last year, and right away I can tell it has Mom’s magic touch already. I can’t really pinpoint what it is exactly, but the mountain man’s house has a woman’s, despite all the mounted deer’s. It might just be the warm, homey feeling I recognize so well in Mom’s work. We have been so blessed. She is so fortunate to find someone that makes her as happy as Winn does, and seeing her get Lillian’s birthday party together, well, Winn and I both just stood back in amazement. We can’t keep up with her. Mom came up with the idea of “Barbie in the Kitchen” so she ordered these aprons with iron-on flowers and they all started by decorating those with fabric pens. I got them going by carving a pumpkin and letting them reach inside to get out the goop, which surprisingly they loved. “Ewwww this is so sick! Awesome!”
It’s so easy to impress 4th graders! Then mom had arts and crafts tiaras they decorated with glue on jewels and glitter pens, then a Barbie piñata, and then she baked these crown shaped cookies and all the girls decorated them with icing and sprinkles. Mom sure does have a lot of love to give, and she really enjoys doing what she does. That’s what I realized, what makes her happy is when she has people she can share her love with. What was so hard when she didn’t have Dad around anymore was that she couldn’t find ways to share her love the way she was so used to doing. She was so sad because her and Dad were such a magical combo she never thought she could find a way to be that happy again. The universe works in mysterious ways though. It’s only when you are willing to be surprised that you can allow life to open your eyes again in ways you never dreamed possible. She impresses me more and more. I’m so glad I went over to participate with the new branch of family and make sure Mom knows that I support her 110%. I just want her to be happy, just like she wants us to be happy. It’s really nice to walk in the door and hear the kids screaming, “Cole’s here! Cole’s here! Yaaaaaaay! Cole’s here!” It means a lot to all of us. Mom found a way to bring new life and love into my life too. I even got to shoot Lillian’s gold AK-47. Haha, Winn and his hobbies. His house is amazing too. He has 50 acres on the top of a mountain in a house he designed and built himself out of local wood, and no television. Those kids find more ways to stay entertained then I would ever imagine. It’s like their superhero power. They can just “play” like flipping on a switch. It’s something else to watch, really.
Again, I am just so amazed by my mother. Her ability to remain open is paralleled only by grandma’s, who at 89 is still a sponge for life. My goal is to be open about everything for as long as I live. To never cut myself off from anything because I “judge it” or label it. Especially when it’s something I’ve never even tried. That’s hard to explain, but I feel what I mean. I wouldn’t have considered Mom spiritual really before Dad died. Not really not-spiritual either, it just wasn’t a huge part of our lives because we had been so blessed; we didn’t need it to be thankful for what we had. We were simply thankful. I guess I mean we didn’t need it to be intense, the way we need it now. It’s the hard times in life that bring out the brightest shades of divine in us. The amazing thing about love, especially my mother’s, is that it can only grow. I feel like she loves Brooks and I more than ever, at least as much as ever, and in addition to all that I see her loving Winn and Lillian and Abel and his other children too, and I see them loving her back just as much. On top of all that I see her loving Dad just as much too. It’s just a different phase of love now that he’s gone. It’s all love though. All of it.
It all seems miraculous when I think about it. Love is so powerful. Thinking about everything almost brings me to tears, but they are strange tears of joy. Sometimes I feel like a circuit and when I tune in to all the positiveness in our lives, all the blessings we’ve been given, this current beyond my capacity to function with runs through my body, and that’s when those strange, powerful tears come. I see in Mom’s wake all the blessings she bestows in the places around us and I have no other reaction but to get teary eyed and count my lucky stars. My capacity to comprehend wonders of this sort maxes out sometimes. Thus, the strange and wonderful tears. Thank God for those. I think that’s what a religious experience is to me. Life keeps getting fresher and more alive and more abundant, and for a while I never thought that would be possible after Dad died. None of us did I don’t think. We might have consciously kidded ourselves that it would, but that was because that was the only thing we knew to do. That’s what you have to do sometimes. I was expecting there to be this vacuum in his absence, but we were all strong enough to power through the space and fill it with graciousness, and now it’s blossomed in an unimaginable way. It’s such a powerful experience to realize life can still surprise you and get better everyday.
It’s funny because your Dad and I have been emailing each other a lot lately, mostly about aspects of my Dad he remembers, and then more recently we dipped into the religious sector. We are kind of similar in that we both lost our father’s, but different circumstances and reactions of course. Your Dad is very well read in the Bible, and I try to get across to him that I really don’t disagree with where he ends up, I just have a different path of getting to the sort of divine graciousness I have for life than he does. I used to hear stories about how my Dad and your Dad used to do this same sort of thing, intense smart-man’s religious banter. To me the essence of religion is to get to a point where you can feel the presence of something higher in every moment and every aspect of your life, good times and bad. I don’t really need to quote an ancient book that’s hard to relate to in our modern day context in order to awaken that in myself, but I respect the intellectual grip on Christianity that your father has. I just hope it provides the full amount of bliss in life that it can. I have learned through the overworking of my own mind that sometimes I think it out too much instead of just saying thank you and doing something kind for someone. Keep it simple, but try to make it sweet. Either way, I do appreciate your Dad’s willingness and excitement to share his faith with me and try to help me out on some tough questions I have.
Well I’m getting super excited for this weekend. I leave Friday to go to Vegas for the Vegoose Music Festival (www.vegoose.com). It is honestly the most incredible music lineup I have ever had in a consecutive four days in my entire life. That may sound strange if you don’t understand the sort of music I dig and all that comes with it, but this email is getting long enough. I’ll explain that more in depth after I get back. It’s funny because when I hit hard times I turned to music to get me through it, your Dad turned to the Bible, but we both go through it. Music is powerful because I can relate to it, I can interrelate to it, I can participate with it and meet it with myself and it opens up deep pockets in my soul that come flooding out and bring about those strange tears even. Different strokes for different folks, but it’s all the same divine essence. Anyways, on top of the music I get to see a bunch of my Utah friends I haven’t seen in a while. I couldn’t find a decent ticket coming back to Birmingham from Vegas either, so instead I’m driving back with my friends to Park City to spend Halloween, since it’s on a Tuesday, and then flying back here from Salt Lake. I’m resting up this week and getting myself mentally prepared for this monster adventure I’m about to have. Did you know ”hallo” means sacred? What a wonderful twist on the day of the dead. I love hanging out with different friends from different places. I’m winging a lot of it too which adds to the “anything can happen” atmosphere. Gotta leave yourself open after all, that way ANYTHING CAN HAPPEN, right? Especially in a place as crazy as Vegas. Other than my tickets and the late nite shows I’m going too, I don’t even have a place to stay for sure, just great adventuresome friends to meet up with and a head full of the right attitude. I guess these sorts of adventures are the other places where I have those experiences I might call revelation and epiphany. As grandma would say, “Oh Boy!” Winn, whose brilliant, gave me an intense lesson on playing craps today so I’ve got a head full of insider information on running the tables, too. I’ve never really known how to play before, I always kind of just screwed around or didn’t bother, but now I know, and I know from a pro. A little confidence mixed with no expectations never hurt anyone. You’ll have to wish me luck all week, ok? Whenever I cross your mind- wish me luck. I really think it’ll help. Heck it could only help, right?

As ever,
Cole